(with props to The Mommy’s Old Testament)

And the child cried out to her Mommy from the sanctuary of her room, saying “Thou art mean, and it is not fair.”

And the Mommy replied, “Roll not thine eyes nor heave sighs unto Heaven. Dost thou not know that all good things which come to thee, come from the Mommy?  The house is mine, and the car is mine, and the money is mine yea, all thy raiment, all thy food, all thou dost read or play upon is provided by me and I shall not be mocked, neither shall I be reviled.

Heed me. The time of the Teenager draws near, which the prophets have foretold. And in those days thou must follow my commandments, and vex me not, lest ye dwell in the house of the Aunt for years. The Aunt’s way is discipline, and her way is hard, and of her rules there is no end, neither is there mercy.  All that dwell in the house of the Aunt do tremble before her authority.

But the Mommy’s way is comfort. Her rules are few, her way is easy. All that dwell in the house of the Mommy do live in peace.

Therefore cease lamenting and gives thanks for thy many blessings.”